Chili Cook-Off Results

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing at the judge’s table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet
writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

ME: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

ME: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

ME: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

ME: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

ME: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

ME: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

ME: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy,
they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too
painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just
let it in through the hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

ME: ——————

Actual photo right after I tasted chili number 3.

This is from a joke that someone had forwarded me. I took some creative liberties, but I figured ya’ll would get a kick out of it.



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Eatin’ Chili for a Good Cause

This Saturday, I will be a judge for a local Chili Cook Off, and I invite all of you to come and attend. This event is being sponsored by Hanna Piano Company to raise money for Dogs for the Deaf. Dogs for the Deaf is an organization that rescues homeless dogs and trains them to be helpful companions for deaf people.

The Chili Cook Off begins at 10:30am this Saturday, September 25th at Hanna Piano Company in Seven Oaks Shopping Center. (Located between St. Andrews Rd. and Old Bush River Rd.) All are welcome to drop by and sample the chili. Then, each chili will be voted on with donations to Dogs for the Deaf. (Hence the fund raiser.) The Chili chef that gets the most money will be awarded with the peoples choice award.

So come out this Saturday and support your local chefs, eat some dang good chili, and donate to a good cause. Bring your family and your dollars, and don’t forget your apatite!

Hannah Piano Company at 10:30AM

Seven Oaks Shopping Center
6169 St. Andrews Road
Columbia, SC 29212


Who knows you might even get see this guy.

Or maybe even these guys.

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Piranha 3D

I saw Piranha 3D last night, so I thought I would share with you guys what I liked, and didn’t like about the movie. First, if you are queasy, or don’t like horror movies, then this movie is not for you. There was so much fake blood used during this movie, that as it stands right now, Piranha 3D holds the worlds record. But don’t worry, no CGI fish were harmed during the making of this film.

First, if you don’t know what the movie is about, let me explain. Listen very carefully. You might want to take notes. Ready? It’s about prehistoric piranha that eat a bunch of horny college kids. That’s about it.

Second, Piranha 3D has a great cast. Elisabeth Shue plays a no nonsense Sheriff and single mom. Christopher Lloyd plays the wacky fish no-it-all guy. When he first appeared on the screen, I couldn’t help but yell out, “ONE POINT TWENTY ONE JIGAWATTS?!” (Not one person chuckled, except Billy.) Jerry O’Connell plays the owner/director of “Wild Wild Girls”. A nod to “Girls Gone Wild”. And then there is Richard Dreyfuss, who reprises his role as Matt Hooper, the character he played in Jaws. Not kidding.

The 3D effects were awesome. You can never have too much blood, guts, fish and vomit flying towards you. But that is just one mans opinion. I am a sucker for gore and shock. Yes, movies are a lot scarier when they leave things to  your imagination, but sometimes you just want to see someone get their hair tangled in a boat propeller resulting in their scalp and face being ripped off. And Piranha 3D does not disappoint.

When the carnage ensues, you see eyeballs eaten, stomachs ripped open, limbs fall off, decapitation, legs gnawed off, a piranha (after swimming inside a girls stomach) exits out her mouth, two people carrying a badly injured girl onto the beach, only to have her body split in two at the waist, and the Pièce de résistance… a mans wang floating through the water, only to be eaten, and regurgitated by one of those loveable, sharp-toothed fish.

Enough about what I like, lets move on to what I don’t like. There was only one thing I did not like, and the average guy will think I’m nuts, but I could not stand all the boobs. OK, I get it. It’s Spring Break and you have a bunch of drunken, horny college kids. But for the love of all things Hooters, do you really have to show boobs every 20 seconds? They weren’t even that nice. Back in the day, that would’ve been a crowd pleaser, but after a while they all start to look the same. Maybe I’m just getting old.

In conclusion, if you want to see a movie with plenty of people being eaten by prehistoric piranha, then Piranha 3D will not disappoint. Some of you might be asking, “How can you call yourself a Christian and go see a movie like this?” It’s easy, I call myself Kevin. Thanks for reading!

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Bumps, Bruises, Barfs and Burgers-A Typical Night Out with the Family

On Sundays, the wife and I like to meet up with some good friends for ice cream. They have a sweet little girl who is my daughters BFF. This past Sunday, we decided to go out for dinner at Pawley’s Front Porch.

Pawley’s Front Porch is a wonderful hamburger joint and was featured on The Food Networks, “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.” Pawly’s is located in the heart of Five Points, not too far from The University of South Carolina. (Go Cocks!) The plan was to meet up at 6pm, have some burgers and a couple of beers, and let the little ones run around and wreak havoc on a sleepy college eatery.

As anyone with kids knows, plans change faster than a fart rips through grandmas underpants.

Upon our arrival, myself, the wife, my two-year old daughter and seven month old son, were greeted and seated. I ordered a beer. (Little did I know that I was really going to need that beer. BTW the beer in question was a New Belgium 1554 Black Ale.) A few minutes later, Keri (the mother of our daughters BFF) appeared, declaring that they were going to have to go back home due to the projectile vomit proceeding out of their daughters mouth.

While we were conveying our condolences on the loss of a very nice shirt, my son (who was sitting in a high chair at the end of the table) thought it would be fun to slide out of said chair and dangle by his head. I always thought a Jack Rabbit in heat was fast, until I saw my wife spring into action and save  my son from what would’ve become a bumped head and a bruised ego.

Then all settled down. For a minute. Our waitress came to take our order, and while my wife was placing hers, which consisted of a boring burger and fries, the boredom was alleviated when my wife noticed our son chewing on the paper menu that she had in her hands. The waitress, without missing a beat, asked, “Is that menu good?” My son, without missing the table, spewed the todays special through the air. At that point, we were like, whatever.  We then spent the next 15 minutes trying to fish the paper out of his mouth.

I am happy to say, we did get to finish  placing our order and got to enjoy a wonderful meal of which I will now tell you about.

I had the Frip Island, a burger consisting of southern salsa, boursin cheese, and a couple of slices of fried green tomatoes, snuggled between a warm pretzel bun. Accompanying the Frip Island was Franks Red Hot Onion Rings.

To say the burger was good, would be as boring as watching my wife order food. The boursin cheese, as it melted with every bite I took, offered a sweetness to the tart of the fried green tomatoes. The pretzel bun was perfect for this type of burger. The inside of the bun was soft, and continued to soak up the juices and flavors of the burger, while the outside remained crisp. I never had to worry about the bun falling apart, dispensing its contents into my lap.

The only let down came from the onion rings, and it had nothing to do with the taste. The name of the rings was Frank’s Red Hot Onion Rings, but they were neither red, nor hot. I expected something with some spice, but this was as mild as a baby’s punch to the jaw. The taste was sweet, something I have never experienced with onion rings, and was very satisfying, I just wished they named it something else.

I washed everything down with R.J. Rockers Patriot Pale Ale. R.J Rockers is a brewery located in downtown Spartanburg, SC. The tart hoppiness was followed by a sweet caramel aftertaste. A great beer for a great burger!

Our night ended the way I had expected it the whole outing to be in the first place, uneventful. While I thought our dinner at Pawlys Front Porch would be a typical evening out with the family, the adventure we encountered was a fun one. I will always remember the night we endured projectile vomit, falling kids, and edible menus while experiencing one of the best damn burgers I have ever had.

So, if you live in Columbia, or plan on visiting sometime soon, make sure you stop by Pawlys Front Porch. Oh, and bring the family and create a memory.


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The “Duh” Diet Update

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven’t posted in a few days. Been busy with life. I am still on the “Duh!” diet, and have been doing very well. Today was weigh in day and my scale was a tease this morning.

Last week, I weighed 204 lbs. Imagine my surprise when the scale told me my gravity pull was 201.5 lbs! Alas, my scale has a twisted sense of humor. When I stepped back on, it jumped back to 204. (And stayed there the next seven, yes count them, SEVEN times I stood back on it.)

Well, good news is, I have not gained any more poundage. What is annoying is the fact that this seems to be my “Dead Zone”. The dead zone is that hump that you just can’t get over. Mine seems to hover between 200 and 205.

I must admit that I was a little disheartened this morning. But then I had to remind myself that three years ago, I was 220 lbs. But when I started working out, and watching what I eat, I managed to lose 20 lbs. Even though I fluctuate, I have never gained all that weight back. That is something to be proud of.

So for those of you who struggle, always try to look at the positive side. Even if what you’re doing is not working as fast as you’d hoped, you’re still doing SOMETHING about your weight. And any plan is better than no plan.

To all my chunky brothers, let’s hang in there. Thanks for stopping by. And, as always, thanks for your support!

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The “Duh! Diet” day 14

It has been a busy past couple of days. I am happy to say that I have stuck with my play. Yesterday (Mother’s Day) was the hardest. The wife and I (with two kids in tow) spent the day at her parents house. My mother-in-law fixed a great lunch.  We had BBQ chicken, homemade mac n’ cheese, homemade greenbean casserole, and homemade banana puddin’. (Yes, I said puddin’. That’s the real deal, pudding is something the British eat, we in the south prefer puddin’.)

I went over my goal yesterday, but you have to give yourself some wiggle room. I did take a 30 minute walk yesterday pushing the kids up several BIG hills. Think of Dolly Parton on asphault. Yeah…

Anyway, my continued dedication has payed off again. After stepping on the scale this morning, I have lost another 2 lbs. That is 6 lbs in 2 weeks. I’m happy. Even though I would love to see big numbers, like I did the first week at a loss of 4 lbs, 1-2 lbs a week is a very healthy weight loss.

So, I will continue to trudge along this path, with danger on every side (in the form of Twinkies, and Snickers, and Ice Cream, and beer, and cup cakes, and twinkies…I better stop before I start gnawing on my arm hoping for a cream filled center.

Thanks everyone for tuning in. Keep the encouragement coming. I really appreciate it! God bless!


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The “Duh! Diet” Days 9 and 10

Here’s a quick update for days nine and 10.

Menu for day 9:

Breakfast: 3 scrambled eggs and 2 pieces of toast.

Lunch: Salad with spring greens, chicken, mandarin oranges and homemade balsamic lime vinegar and Motts cinnamon applesauce.

Dinner: 2 grilled cheese sandwiches and 1 serving Cheetos white cheddar cheese puffs.

Snacks: Chipotle beans, wheat pasta with fresh peas, 1 serving mixed nuts and 2 shots of Cabo Wabo Tequilla(the absolute best Tequilla EVER)for Cinco De Mayo!

Water to drink.

Total calories consumed: 1,674

Day 10:

Breakfast: 1/2 bowl wheat cereal and 1/2 banana.

Lunch: 1 peanut butter banana sandwich and 1 (1 oz) bag of wheat sunchips.

Dinner: 1 serving lasagna with meat sauce and a salad with spring greens, feta cheese and homemade balsamic/lime vinegar.

Snacks: 1 Jello pudding snack, 1 peanut butter banana sandwich on wheat, 1 package Lance whole wheat peanut butter crackers, a 2 Coke Zeros.

Total Calories consumed: 1,523

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