I have bipolar faith.
All the crap started in January, after a very uplifting church service. Jessica and I had a very real encounter with God that Sunday. A word was given to our church that God was going to move over finances and set people free of debt. The message hit home with us, so I wrote down all of our finances and debts that we owed and left them down at the front of the church, where we had gathered to pray.
Later that week, everything went to hell. More financial problems hit us. Sick children and no insurance makes the bills add up pretty damn quick. Then my father and I got into a disagreement. Then my grandfather took a turn for the worst. It had seemed that what we heard at church was nothing but a joke.
This lead to many shouting matches between me and God. I have always tried to do what is right. As a manager, I have always tried to treat everyone fairly and with respect. In my business dealings, I have always been ethical. So, this lead me to the question of why?
Damn, that is one dangerous question to ask oneself. Dangerous in that it will lead you up, or can totally destroy you. But it is a question that has to be asked from time to time.
So I would ask, “So, God, why is all this happening to my family? Why do so people who are just down right dirty bastards, make a ton of money and have no suffering? That makes no damn sense to me?”
Most of the time there was silence. But what could I do? I can not turn away from my faith. Why? Because there is no place else to turn.
I am one anylitical motherf***er. I am always trying to figure out everything. What sin is God punishing me for? Is this a test of faith? Am I that f***ed up?
A song that best describes me is, “Take a Look Around” by Limp Bizkit. Or, the Mission Impossible II Theme song. Check this out.
“Does anybody really know the secret?
Or the combination for this life and where they keep it?
It’s kinda sad when you don’t know the meaning,
But everything happens for a reason.
I don’t even know what I should say,
cuz I’m an idiot a looser, a microphone abuser.
I analyze every second I exist, beatin’ up my mind every second with my fist.”
So over the past few months, I have had turmoil and peace. I have yelled at God in one breath and praised him with the next. That is why I think I have bipolar faith.
So where does that leave us? I think what my family has been walking through has been part test of faith and part shit happens. As I continue to walk this road, I think I am realizing that there is a balance between turmoil and peace, and that God can bring total comfort and peace and rest, in the midst of the shit storm.
I ain’t got everything figured out, far from it. But I do know that the dog eats the crumbs that fall from the masters table, and I ain’t ashamed to sit under the table and beg.
“Cuz I don’t know what I should do. Life is a lesson, you learn it when you’re through.” LB